We had been trying for what felt like forever. You never really know how long a year can be until you’re forced into over 365 days of patience. But like I’ve said all along, we knew it was God’s timing – and we trusted that it would be perfect. Still. It seemed like we would be in that waiting season forever.
I had been having some silly symptoms leading up to finding out we were pregnant but none that made me stop and think, this is it! For one, I could smell everything. When I would walk into our laundry room to do a load, I oddly smelled vomit. It was gross, and after a thorough search, could not figure out where there was puke in our laundry room. I ran vinegar cycles through the washer to see if maybe that was the culprit but it was still there and still very strong. I told Brandon that I smelled it and he said – after his own investigation – that it was a bag of his dirtbike riding gear, that was smelly and sweaty and yet to be washed. How did you smell that though? It was under a bunch of laundry and in a bag? he had asked. The second thing was I was becoming increasingly tired. That was one of my biggest symptoms when I was pregnant with Luke, but I chalked this one up to being a SAHM who was drained at the end of the day – or a woman who was due to start her period. And thirdly, and the most noticeable symptom was my period was late. I knew that the month prior it had started on the 18th, but my cycle has always been a little off, so I didn’t really expect it to start on the 18th again either. But then the 19th came and no sign, and then the 20th. I texted Bran each day – “no period today”, and by the 20th he told me that he was buying a test and I was taking it that night.
To be honest, I didn’t want to take it. I had seen about 6 negative tests in the time we had been trying and I didn’t want to be disappointed again. But he was excited, and adamant that I was pregnant, so we did it that Wednesday night.
“What are you going to do if it says positive?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” Bran said in true Bran fashion.
“Well I’m going to jump for joy and bawl my eyes out!” I said. You might say I have a flair for the dramatic.
But then we watched this little stick fill up with liquid…
and the two lines showed up almost instantly!
I couldn’t hold back.
This overwhelming joy and happiness just flooded through me. I felt like I was floating on cloud 10! I kept saying, ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh over and over – and then I started jumping up and down in excitement! But what quickly followed the jumping was the bawling.
I took a video to record our reaction just in case, and I’m so glad I did. You can hear the raw emotion, the release of all the fear and feelings of inadequacy, and beautiful joy in my sobs. We were pregnant. We did it! My body can support life again!
I also told Bran I was scared. Scared that Luke wouldn’t be our only child anymore, that he’d have to share time and attention, and that we wouldn’t be able to love two as much and as fiercely as we love him. Brandon reassured me that we would. And again to be honest, I’m trusting the Lord on this one. I know he made this process work perfectly and our tired, happy, loving hearts will be able to support two.
So, my mantra in this season is: Thank you, God. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your unending, all consuming love. Thank you for this glimmer of hope. Thank you for my husband who loves me and cherishes me and is so happy that I get to grow our baby. Thank you for our healthy, smart, beautiful son. Thank you.
And I promise to do my best with this next blessing as well.
A happy secret…
During week 6 we told most of our immediate family and closest friends.
It was this big, happy secret just sitting on the edge of my tongue every time I talked to someone. Ironically, Brandon went out of town only a few days after we found out; so I got to hold in a secret for over a week, waiting for him to get back. Of course, I didn’t do a very good job because I told a handful of people in the hopes that I didn’t explode from holding it in. I had previously said I didn’t want to tell anyone for a few weeks, but that was a pipe dream – I’m way too much of an oversharer to hold something like that in. Heck, I can’t hold anything in. Also, my mom and sister would have quickly caught on to the symptoms I was having. I literally went over to my sister’s house and laid on her couch to take a nap mid conversation. I’m. So. Tired.
Anyways, so here we are just one day away from rounding out week 7 and I’m so anxious for the first ultrasound that I called the Dr. this morning to see if there were any earlier appointments. Our appointment is on the 25th. Yes, I can schedule you for the 22nd, she said. We’re three days closer, people.
I’m experiencing some heightened symptoms compared to the first time around. With Luke I was exhausted, had superrrr sore boobs, was exhausted, had mild nausea (I never threw up but I would get a queasy feeling), and craved salty/fried foods. I have the same symptoms with this babe except they’re doubled. And add in overly emotional. Last night I had to make us all leave dinner halfway through because I thought I was going to hurl on the table, and as we walked to the car I broke down crying. Of course, Bran was so sweet and patient just waiting for me to say what was wrong and letting me cry. (Crying is very therapeutic for me.)
I feel so weak. I’m a mother. I’m strong. I should be able to handle this. But I’m so tired and my stomach hurts and I’m hormonal. I’m sorry I’m being such a burden and you have to take care of me and Luke. I feel like a burden. I haven’t worked out in two weeks. I eat all junk food. And my main job is to take care of Luke and I feel like I can’t even take care of myself.” I said between sobs.
And Bran just sat there holding my hand and reassuring me that he could take care of everything, that I was doing great, that my job when he’s around is to grow the baby, and take care of Luke when he’s at work. Other than that, he would handle it. He’s so so good. I know that. And he makes me feel, even when I’m failing, that I’m winning.
So here’s to hoping that these heightened symptoms are normal and a sign of a healthy pregnancy and on the 22nd we get to see a happy little bean squirming around.
Week 8 is here!!
This week we get to see our little babe on the ultrasound and make sure he/she is growing and healthy. We pray every night that this little baby is A-OK in there.
Our whole house has been hit with allergies and Luke had a bad cold. So on top of surviving, we’ve all been trying to take care of each other and whoever doesn’t feel their best. I’ve also been having a lot of nausea, headache, exhaustion, and food aversion (I don’t enjoy eating at all – unless it’s Chick-Fil-A). Once again, Bran has been my savior this whole time taking on the household chores and checking on me/ catering to me all day. Just scrolling through social media and people’s food posts has made me want to puke. I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary, and that I need to focus on what a blessing being pregnant is. Ideally this would be our last baby so I’m really trying to cherish each moment. Even the uncomfortable and green-feeling ones.
Also, since I’m a naturally happy person who happens to feel miserable at the moment, I feel this pressure to pretend everything is fine. That’s kind of making me not want to be very social. I’m trying to take a more realistic approach and just tell people off the bat if I’m not feeling my best – that way the don’t assume I’m upset or something. It’s weird because I have a fairly high pain tolerance but I guess I don’t have a very good tolerance for feeling unwell over an extended period of time. Plus, hormones. I cry about everything! I feel like I could cry right now writing this. Mix that with allergies and I don’t know if my nose will ever stop running.
Luke has nicknamed the baby, “Kimmie”. We asked him what he wanted to name the baby a few weeks back and he said “Kimmie,” so we joke around by acknowledging the baby as that name. Today when we went to the library and on our walk in, we played this little sing-song game we always play. I sang to Luke, “who’s your best girl?” and he said, “Baby Kimmie!” Lord, please let this baby be a girl – since her/his nickname is really feminine! LOL
Luke keeps telling us he wants a sister. I’m not sure if that is based on Bran and I talking about a girl or if he really does want one. I think he would actually have more fun with a brother – but I know there would be more fighting and competition too. I think about this too much. I put this as a triumph only because I want Luke to be very aware and excited to have a sibling, so hearing him talk about it unprompted is soooo fun!
Bran has been an angel the past 3 weeks. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve him. When I’m pregnant he sees me in a new light. Our relationship has always been completely full of love and adoration for each other but it’s normally more competitive and equal. If I was slacking on a responsibility of mine, he would ask me to do it or remind me of it in a joking way. It’s hard to explain. He is a little more selfish but in a normal human way (he is a naturally helpful person so Bran’s selfish isn’t really most people’s selfish). But when I’m pregnant, it’s like he wants to go out and get me the moon and stars. He is constantly thinking of me, catering to me, helping me, picking up my slack, rubbing my feet, getting me flowers to make me smile, acquiescing any request, and so patient. It’s like him taking care of me is his way of taking care of the baby. And sheeeeeesh it’s just filling me up so much. I don’t know how I can pay that kind of selfless, sacrificial love back. I wanted the carpets cleaned because the smell (my sense of smell is like super human right now) was making me feel sick. He cleaned the carpets the next day. I was having a bad day – he bought me flowers. He makes dinner every night and makes sure it’s something that my stomach can handle. I wanted to hang curtains and redo Luke’s room – curtains are now hung and Luke’s room is getting overhauled. I was exhausted and wanted to rest – he entertained and played board games with Luke. I threw up – he got me water and asked if I needed him to hold my hair. I feel uncomfortable – he tells me how beautiful I am. Luke was fevering and I wasn’t feeling well – he called out of work and stayed home with us. I’m so so so thankful. Thank you, God, for a husband who strives to be what’s best for us.
My belly is starting to feel fuller. The lower part of my abdomen gets sore and feels “stretched” like stuff is growing in there, which it is! But I don’t remember feeling this with Luke’s pregnancy. I think it’s because I’m so in tune with this one and aware of everything, unlike Luke’s pregnancy when I was working and distracted. I know you show faster with each pregnancy and this is definitely true for this one. When I had Luke my belly was flat and the muscles were very tight so it took awhile for him to show. With this one my belly is softer and the muscles aren’t nearly as strong, so I can feel the expansion happening. I think I’ll have a legit bump by week 12.
Anyways, this journal feels like a bunch of thoughts spilling onto the page. Which for me is quite therapeutic. A lot of mothers have multiple pregnancies and it’s just a normal, everyday thing. And that’s awesome! But for me, when something important or special is happening, I absorb every detail. I journal and think and cry and rejoice. I’m so immersed in emotions and the beauty of life that I can’t just let it be. Writing is a release and a memory keeper and helps me take the millions of swirling thoughts out of my head. Not telling EVERYONE that I’m pregnant these past 3 weeks has been superrrr difficult for me. I’m a shout from the rooftops kinda gal because anything I bottle up just makes me feel weird and isolated. When Bran and I were first trying, I told him I wanted to wait until the first trimester was up before telling people. HAHAHA!! I was sooo naive to my own feelings. Within the first few days of finding out, I couldn’t keep it from my sister or my mom or my in laws without feeling like I was living a lie. Bran’s the same way. He was itching so bad to tell someone that he told his friend at work. When I was pregnant with Luke I told a cashier at the grocery store because I couldn’t hold it in. So cheers to anyone else who can’t keep their own secrets. Transparency keeps me sane, I guess!
I can’t wait for our appointment on Friday! And then we will be able to announce it to everyone else!
To keep updated on my pregnancy journey, preggo style, cute baby clothes, Luke becoming a big brother, and our family, follow me on Instagram: @amythepro! And to read about the steps we took to help us conceive baby #2 after a year-long wait, click HERE.
**Updated – baby is healthy and happy! Here are our first ultrasounds from March 22nd: